


Anata ha Hitori Janai (You Are Not Alone)

by Karinakamichi



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: AND RUSSIA IS BABEY I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Blood, Cutting, Dark, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, FACE Family, Germany is awkward af but he cares too, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Japan is an awesome dude, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective England (Hetalia), Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Thought Projection, Victim Blaming, also i've been learning german so forgive me if I over use it, and china too, canada is nice too, god everybody i love them so much, in his own way, north italy is a sweet baby who should be protected at all costs, romano is a good brother even if he doesn't act like it, self blame, so is zie awesome prussia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29954247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karinakamichi/pseuds/Karinakamichi
Summary: In which America deals with the aftermath of a traumatizing experience and everybody else tries their best to be there for him. As it turns out, he's not the only one with problems or bad coping mechanisms.  Rape Recovery. Future AmePan and GerIta. Character Projection from some personal experiences. Self-harm. FACE FAMILY STUFFS.
Relationships: America/Japan (Hetalia), Germany/North Italy (Hetalia)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	Anata ha Hitori Janai (You Are Not Alone)

**_Story:_ ** **_Anata wa hitori ja nai (You Are Not Alone)_ **

**_Summary: In which America deals with the aftermath of a traumatizing experience and everybody else tries to be there for him. As it turns out, he's not the only one with problems or bad coping mechanisms. Rape Recovery. Future AmePan and GerIta. Character Projection from some personal experiences._ **

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia._ **

**_Also: I haven't written Hetalia fanfics for like years so this may suck ass or be OOC or something._ **

I'm also currently learning German so I hope I didn't get anything wrong.

**_..._ **

_Hands were pinning him down, a pain ripping through his spine. He couldn't move. His mind was telling him to run, but his entire body was frozen._

_He didn't know how to react. He wanted to scream, yet no sound came out._

_…_

America woke up in a cold sweat, gasping for air, and even cursing as he tried to process the fact that it had just been a dream. (Well, more like a memory, but that was over with now. _He wasn't there anymore, dammit!_ )

Despite trying to convince himself of that fact, it did not stop the bile from rising to his throat. Immediately after, he made a beeline straight to the toilet, throwing up what little contents he had in his stomach, which was nothing but half of an apple.

When he was done in the bathroom, he rinsed out his mouth, and struggled to remember that he had a meeting today. He had already called in sick the last couple of meetings, so if he missed this one England would totally end up nagging him to death for being irresponsible again, and honestly the last thing he needed was yet another reminder of how much he kept screwing everything up. 

_That reminds me. I should probably do something about redressing my bandages before I leave…_

America's gaze traveled down to loosely dressed bandages on his arm which were poorly covering up a plethora of slashes and cuts, some fresh. 

It wasn't healthy, but America wasn't stupid enough to think it was. It had just been the only thing he could think to do after-

At the very least cutting distracted him, and a certain part of him felt like he deserved it, for letting himself be taken advantage of, for not being able to bring himself to stop him. Besides, what could it really do to him? It wasn't like he could _die_ or anything, right? He was a nation! 

And tons of his citizens were already doing this sort of thing, so it didn't really take a genius to figure out where he got the idea from, and quite frankly he couldn't bring himself to care. With that thought in mind, he suddenly felt the all too familiar urge to draw blood. He found no reason at all to fight against it.

…

The meeting room was hectic as ever, with England and France arguing over the stupidest possible things, Russia intimidating everybody, Canada not being noticed and Germany just being plain out annoyed as he always was. China and Japan were currently debating(?) over Asian foods, meanwhile Italy was feeding a stray cat he had found outside.

" _Muss ich alles machen_ ...?" Germany pinched the bridge of his nose to fight off his oncoming migraine. He then slammed his hands down on the table. " _SEID ALLE RUHIG!_ " 

Everybody grew stiff upon his outburst, turning to face him. 

" _Endlich_... It appears I have everybody's attention now." He observed in satisfaction, before sighing. "But before we begin, has anybody here heard from Amerika today?"

" _Angleterre_?" France inquired to England when the question was posed. 

"Wh-what the bloody hell are you looking at me for, Frog?! I'm not his baby sitter!" England immediately got defensive, glaring at him. It was true that he'd been the one America had called the past couple times to say he couldn't make it, but it still annoyed him, if only _because it was France_.

"Enough! Have you heard from him or not?! Just answer the question!" Germany snapped.

"No, I haven't. Are you happy now?" England reluctantly answered him.

"Do you think we should call him? The last couple meetings he called and told _Angliya_ to tell him he was sick, so maybe he still feels unwell?" Russia chimed in with a suggestion of his own. 

"I suppose it is possible, but three times in a row...?" Germany thought it over before caving. "Very well, if he's not here within the next five minutes, then somebody can-"

It was then that the doors to the meeting room were thrown open and America entered, gasping for air. 

"Sorry I'm so late, everybody. I got caught up in a super long line at McDonald's. You should have seen it, it was wrapped all the way around the building!" He bluffed his way through their suspicions with a rather believable lie for everybody in the room. Considering it was _America_ , they had no reason to doubt him.

However, it didn't stop a select few, such as Japan, Canada and England, as well as others, from noticing how sickly his face looked, or how stringy his hair was, especially the bags under his eyes, implying a lack of proper sleep. 

He clearly hadn't been taking proper care of himself. 

Despite that, nobody bothered questioning him in the end. 

England sighed. "Whatever, Fatass, just hurry up and take your seat. We don't have all day."

"Right…" America felt himself shrink a bit at England's name calling. It wasn't like he had never been bothered by some of the things England and the other nations said about him, and this time it wasn't even meant in a negative light but more to lightheartedly tease him, but for some reason it really bothered him now. 

Maybe it was because he'd been barely eating anything at all lately? 

But it wasn't like England could possibly known that, so why...? He caved, still feeling eyes on him. 

"Again, I'm really sorry, everybody. I should have payed closer attention to the time… I'll try not to do it again." America said, apologetically, taking several people off guard. It wasn't like him to be so humble. It was almost unsettling.

At seeing that display of guilt, Germany couldn't even bring himself to scold the American and turned away. " _Nein_ , it is fine, as long as you understand. Let's just begin already."

"America, are you alright...? You look rather pale." England whispered to America a few minutes later as Germany was speaking, still not able to get the man's sickly appearance out of his mind. 

"Yeah, dude, I'm totally fine. I just didn't get that great of sleep last night, so I'm kinda tired." America said vaguely. It wasn't a lie, just not the whole truth.

"Are you sure? If there's something that's been making you sick, perhaps you should-" England started to suggest but was cut off curtly by America.

"I already said I'm fine." America clearly didn't want to talk about it, and England seemed genuinely taken aback by his sharp tone. America quickly realized how rude that must have sounded, offering a small smile to show he meant no harm. "So you don't need to worry, okay?"

He hadn't intended to snap at him, he just didn't want to talk to anybody about it. He was an independent nation now, he couldn't come crawling back to England again, not over something like that. He refused to be weak.

"Well, alright, if you say so…" England quite frankly wasn't convinced in the slightest, but decided to not put any pressure on him. He placed a hand on America's shoulder, unable to ignore how the other flinched at the physical contact. "But, America… If there's… Something bothering you, you can talk to me, you know…" 

"Yeah, I know… Thanks, Britain…" America hesitantly offered his response, forcing a smile, before turning his head away, and avoiding eye contact.

It was then that England's suspicions were confirmed and he was now sure that something was wrong. He briefly exchanged glances with France, who seemed just as worried, and even Canada, who hadn't said anything, had been listening in on their conversation and was concerned by his brother's strange behavior.

Usually, he would have taken control over the meeting and brought focus to himself, interjecting everybody's conversations with narcissistic ideas about global warming and referring to himself as the hero, and whatever the hell else America did and said that made him _him_ , but the way he was acting right now just _wasn't it_ , but rather was the complete opposite. It was just… odd…

Well, everybody has their off days, so maybe it was nothing…?

At least that's what he and everybody else was _hoping_.

…

_**Translations:** _

_**Muss ich alles machen...?** _

_**\- Must I do everything?** _

_**Seid alle ruhig!** _

_**\- Everybody be quiet!** _

_**Endlich** _

_**\- Finally** _

_**Angleterre** _

_**\- England** _

_**Nein** _

_**\- No** _

**_Angliya_ **

**_\- England_ **

**_Amerika_ **

**_\- Naturally "America"._ **

**_A/N: Sorry, this isn't much, but I'm hoping this was a better start than nothing? Sorry, there wasn't much dialogue between certain characters in this first chapter, I plan to have interactions between America and multiple other characters later, and I'll probably be using the axis quite a bit too._ **

**_This WILL be future AmericaxJapan(Just cuz idk I felt like it? idk.) and GerIta, because Italy will probably have some issues of his own and I'm just a emotionally unstable sadist who loves projecting my own insecurities and problems onto fictional characters._ **

**_With that said, the Axis will likely play a pretty huge role in this, and the others as well. And I've never really written or read much for Amepan, but it's kind of not focused on a lot in the fandom, so I figured why not, and Japan just seems like somebody who would respect America's recovery while also being there for him in the end when he needs it. He's more reserved so I guess it could work. And I think America hangs out with Japan quite a bit, so maybe it'd be an interesting relationship to work with as a slow build?_ **

**_Again, idk this ship is pretty new to me, and likely won't be the main focus? I'm more starting this for personal reasons._ **

**_I self-harmed for years and was actually sexually harassed and assaulted by a 40 year old man when I was like 14 or 15, and he continued messing with me until I was like 22? so I? might be? projecting a little? Please forgive me._ **


End file.
